Crazy, Stupid : LOVE

Last month, after months (actually almost a year) of persuasion, someone who had always wanted to call myself his, finally twisted my arm and I said “Yes”. The thing is, after my last relationship last year; I told myself that I would take a back seat from the dating world. Every relationship I partook in, ended up being either a total disaster, me being hurt or just losing interest. People have a tendency of portraying a “perfect” and poised persona when they meet a potential mate. “Why?” you may ask, I am not sure, but I would assume that it plays in their favour, as we always create these lists for ourselves of the perfect mate:

·         Perfect smile,

·         Perfect and fair complexion (apparently the most desired),

·         An amazing dresser,

·         And a man with money and a provider.

Question is; why do we create such expectations for potential lovers when we do not do the same for ourselves? It is all good to know what you want, but what are you going to offer this “perfect mate” of yours?

·         Will you be faithful?

·         Will you be all the best you can be and try to be as perfect?

·         Or will you grow into the “frumpy” phase and stop living up to the appearance you have created for yourself?

·         And will you “pay” him back for his generosity?

In my opinion, these are things I have found people do not consider about themselves and their potential partners.

Okay, I seem to have gotten carried away and side tracked now. So back to the story in question.

We used to work together at a previous company and we did have strong feelings for each other and at one point, we loved each other. But I still did not budge into this relationship he wanted for us. I knew I was not ready, but when would I ever be?

In the quest for “self-enlightenment” and finding clarity of who I was/am and what  needed from my other, let alone what I needed of myself.

So, I said yes. And the deal was done. All was well and we continued as we had for some time. The thing is, we ended up having a platonic relationship, so we found it easy to ease into the role of boyfriend and boyfriend.

But, with everything that has to do with Buntu, things were just getting started. The weekend we decided to date, his friends and he had decided to have an informal get together and I was obliged to attend, being his boyfriend. Let me remind you, that this party takes place 3 days after we started dating.

So cool, I get to the party and I get introduced to some of his good friends that have been “dying” to meet me. As we made our way to the patio, my eyes found someone I had never met before, but someone I knew I had to know. I knew right there and there that I had to be a part of his world, be around him and love him unconditionally. I can honestly say that I fell in love with him from that somewhat high and tipsy moment when I arrived. Throughout the evening, I tried to distance myself, as I was with my boyfriend, and being around him evoked feelings that I did not have control over. I was crazy about him, but I had a boyfriend. I played it cool and tried to forget about him.

The evening drew to an end and I found my way to bed with my boyfriend and we slept from exhaustion. We spent the next morning and day in bed, drifting from consciousness to the land of sleep. I left later that afternoon to go meet my friends at Mzoli’s, a local hang out spot in Gugulethu. And all while I was there, I couldn’t stop talking about this boy I just met and felt that we were meant to be. My friends know how I am when it comes to beauty and they brushed it off as one of those moments. But I was soon to find out that there had been a mutual interest, for he followed me on twitter later on that night. We conversed via Direct Message and got to know each other more. My phone died, along with my night. After Mzoli’s, my friends and I ended up at yet another presumptuous township hang out spot, but we made the most of it. Battery drained, money finished and alcohol levels diminished, we headed home. I charged my phone and eagerly awaited a message from him I might have received in the absence of life from my phone.

Nothing…. But I am not one to give up so easily. I sent him a message, he replied. The ball began rolling. He gave me his name on Facebook and I browsed at the few pictures he has. In the midst of the conversations, we exchanged numbers and he called me when I called it a night. What was intended to be a goodbye from his end, ended up being me calling him back and spending the next hour and a half getting to know him better.

Someone I now truly love with all my heart.

In between then and last week, I was plagued with a decision to end one of these relationships I had found myself in. I knew who I wanted to be with, but the only thing going through my mind was how I had wasted “his” time. What if he could have found someone else, but I kept him detained in a futureless and stagnant relationship?

I had to end one of these relationships and I knew which one it had to be, so I sent him a text on BBM:

“Okay. So I have been putting this off for quite some time as I thought I could find a way of telling you without hurting you, but I don't seem there will be a right time, whether it is face to face, or over BBM.

This past month has been, nothing like what I had expected our relationship to be like. We went from being friends with a platonic relationship and a great love, to what I feel to be, lovers with no love at all. Since we started dating, my love for you has diminished and I don't think it shall ever resurface or be what it was. So what I suggest is that we part ways, as friends rather than lovers with resentment. I'm sorry I have to do this, now and via this medium. I just can't continue delaying what should've happened some time ago. I hope you find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved, and you in turn love and treat him the way he needs to be.”

The conversation that followed was civil and things were great. We came to the same conclusion, but I had not mentioned the most important reason, well I’m sure he will when he reads this.

Love manifests itself at the most inappropriate moments as we have a certain plan for ourselves. But there is nothing to do but embrace it as it might not happen again. Life is about making decisions, though some might be perceived as selfish, they are crucial for your own development. I guess what I am trying to say is that love has no time nor does it created allowances for those who might be/believe that they are in love. I found someone I love, but in the process, I had to let go of someone I valued in my life.

Love creates, but it also destroys. Its lifts you up when you are down, and it can also tear you back to reality when you feel like you are on top of the world. It has no clearly set rules and it recreates itself with every relationship as we learn and grow.

LOVE IS WHAT IT IS, AND YOU ARE A FOOL IF YOU ARE ON A QUEST TO UNLOCK ITS MYSTERIES. LET IT TAKE YOU, BUT MAKE SURE YOU CARRY AN EXTRA PARACHUTE.-