3-Way Phone Call

 I recently found myself in a whirlwind of a ride, with someone who recently came into my life by chance. A mutual friend had made attempts at introducing us, however I’ve learnt it better to steer clear of any matchmaking attempts from friends from past experiences. 

I was immediately taken aback by him. He just had a vibe about him, one that drew me in a way that I haven’t felt in some time. 

However, things were complicated from the get go: 

1. He had never been in a relationship, something I struggled to grasp, taking into account my initial reaction to him. This posed a concern. My mind ran laps, attempting to preempt countless scenarios of how this would lead. I also found it to be an opportunity to be part of his journey, one I believed would have been pleasant given my vast experience *clears throat*. 
2. He made it apparent that there was another, who weeks earlier, too, had made advances on him. I had competition. This didn’t phase me though. I was confident in who I was and what I could offer. 

And so I found myself in a situation. Correction, I entered myself into a love triangle. But how could I back down from these challenges? I was smitten, enchanted and bewitched by him. His presence occupied the depths of my thoughts. This was not an unfamiliar feeling, and we can often find ourselves lost to these emotions, this excitement of the new. 

Days and weeks past, time spent together became our norm. Moments of staring and teasing. Chats about our childhood cartoons and trolling YouTube for their starting sequences until 1am. An easy I wanna be here vibe. I tried by all means to forget about the reality that existed; there was someone else in the equation. This other guy, someone who too had the attention of my King (a nickname that holds great meaning). It had been a couple of weeks since I asked how things were with him. I was always met with a “Oh, his fine”, so I stopped asking, but as time passed, I found myself in need of assurances as to the trajectory of what we had going. 

I know, I injected myself into this situation, and here I was making demands. But I couldn’t help myself.  Also, he gave me the impression that nothing much was happening that side, so I had a sense of pride about me. 

“How could I continue down a path that might lead to my own demise? It would be self-harming”, and once a seed is planted in my mind, my anxiety has a field day as it fabricates possible scenarios and how they’d affect me.

 

But then again, “I walked into this”, I’d tell myself in an attempt to stay grounded. 

I have learnt through my youth, that there’s no point in wanting and expecting certain qualities from a partner, yet you are unwilling to reciprocate this through your actions. You need to give as much as you want, expect and need. I’ve learnt that honesty and communication can add so much value. 

So when an opportunity presented itself, I asked again. I was here, and ready for the proverbial violence if needed. One thing though, through all my efforts of tipping the scales in my favour, wining, dining and impressing I failed to reconcile or rather, articulate the possibility that my King, caught in between this new found attention, wanted the other and not me.

And through further probing, it became apparent that I was offering far too much than he was able to accept. I had forgotten that we are often blinded by our emotions and what we desire, that we lose sight of what we’re receiving from the other person, this person you’re crazy about after a month or two or longer of knowing each other. My intentions were made evident early on and further cemented with each text, call and hug. 

I wanted someone who wasn’t far more concerned about someone else, someone who isn’t me:

I felt helpless. The language used irked me. 

In writing this I sought to share this recent experience that left me kind of feeling blind-sided by someone I so much wanted to be with. But I can’t help but think about how I failed to protect myself in the process of sharing myself. Giving too much because I felt, dare I say, safe in the newness of this person. I was more concerned with making him happy, making him see me as I saw me, quirks and all. Seeing potential and longevity in this dance.

Also, upon further introspection, I realised that something was lacking from my end, something he may have received from the other guy and was looking for in me. You see, for some reason, we (our community) have shied away from having relationships and instead have relations, of the sexual variety. I have found myself objectified by those who sought after me, and as a result I’m always on guard and I always question the timing of some of the advances I receive. 

Now, here I was in this triangle and I firmly held my ground, ensuring that I didn’t further lose myself and my stuff to something that might not lead anywhere. 

In hindsight, I’m also left questioning whether this was a contributing factor for him. Did he expect to have sexual relations with the both of us? Would I have been able to partake in this? These are questions that should have been raised by the both of us, in an ideal world. Am I unnecessarily punishing myself with all these thoughts, post attempt at a relationship? 

I don’t know man, but one thing I do know is that I have come out of this process lighter, better and more sure of myself and the decisions I took, for myself. 

We’re so often accustomed to coasting through life experiences that come and it can be a laborious task to delve into the thoughts behind our decisions and holding ourselves accountable, but necessary for our growth and further contextualising what we take away. 

Here I am, still not a full time gay, hoping the love I know I deserve is out there in search of me as I am of him/them, no longer fending for my cock. 

B.